4th September 2015

August 

Dear Lee

That was probably the worse august in my life, on the second I left Sean, I didn’t tell him I was leaving him, I didn’t know 100% myself that I was. I left some clothes, the ones I didn’t like, so that he wouldn’t know that I was probably leaving him but we both knew really. It had been a bad week. The fist day that I got there he was at work and I was going to get dressed up for sex, his big wooden chest that he kept bullets, porn and my sexy clothes in was locked. So I looked if he had moved them to his draws, in the 3rd draw down were his own pants, for some reason I picked them up to see if there was anything underneath and there were some small leopard skin knickers with a black lace trim. They were small, I could have got in them but they were not my style. They were trashy. It stopped me in my tracks, I can’t remember if I cried, I think I did, I remember lying on the bed for a while, just numb. Eventually I took them downstairs and waited for him to come through the door.

Just after 7 he came home, all smiles, happy to see me. When times were good I always got up and kissed him at the door as soon as he came in, so he knew straight away that something was wrong, the knickers were laid out on the coffee table and when he asked what was wrong I just pointed at them and said “They are not mine.”

We argued, went to bed in a sulk, didn’t have sex. I knew I had to spend the week there so I said I would forget about it. 

That was just the start. 

27th October 2012

I dreamt of you last night, I bit your finger and it tasted bitter.

18th August 2011

Dear Lee

I dreamt about you this morning, I met you at Glastonbury Festival. I got to spend a small amount of time with you but then you said you had to work and went away. I spent the rest of the dream walking around stalls looking at strange objects. I must have brought 4 cones of metal with organic patterns embossed into them. I carried them around with me.

Tonight I realised this strange unease at having the dream, will leave me. That when I am old and senile I won’t remember how I felt in your company, I won’t remember what loosing you was like. I will be able to look at a photograph of you and feel nothing. So I should enjoy this unease while I can, before I feel nothing.

I may never fall in love again, never feel this depth of emotion again, never hurt again. 

And it will only fade in time. It’s 20 years since Dee left me and I feel nothing. I know it was the most horrific grief at the time but now it is gone, not just forgotten, gone. If you forget you can recall if you try hard enough. I can’t recall that pain now. 

So I will enjoy this moment before it disappears in time, before I am unable to feel. Before I loose my mind. 

I hope I never forget how much I loved you but I fear I will.

Jeepers

22nd May 2011

Dear Lee
I miss your friendship. I miss asking for your advise, and you sorting my problems out for me.
I miss the security. I miss the feeling of being so safe and protected in your arms. 

11th March 2011

9th March 2011

I watched you from the coastal path, down on the beach you threw stones into rock pools, Spingle chasing them. You didn’t know I was there so you didn’t have your mask on. I saw the true you. The you that I have had glimpses of before but you have always denied. For 5 years you had fooled me, manipulated me in to believing what you wanted me to believe. But the Universe plotted to show me the truth on this day. I saw what a liar you had been right from the beginning, What a farce it had all been. But why had it taken so long for me to see the truth. I must have had a lesson to learn, a journey to take? 

But a new journey starts today. 

This is the end

Beautiful friend

This is the end

My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end

Of everything that stands, the end

No safety or surprise, the end

I'll never look into your eyes...again

Can you picture what will be

So limitless and free

Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand

In a...desperate land

Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain

And all the children are insane

All the children are insane

Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

There's danger on the edge of town

Ride the King's highway, baby

Weird scenes inside the gold mine

Ride the highway west, baby

Ride the snake, ride the snake

To the lake, the ancient lake, baby

The snake is long, seven miles

Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold

The west is the best

The west is the best

Get here, and we'll do the rest

The blue bus is callin' us

The blue bus is callin' us

Driver, where you taken' us

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on

He took a face from the ancient gallery 

And he walked on down the hall

He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he

Paid a visit to his brother, and then he

He walked on down the hall, and

And he came to a door...and he looked inside

Father, yes son, I want to kill you

Mother...I want to...WAAAAAA

C'mon baby,--------- No "take a chance with us"

C'mon baby, take a chance with us

C'mon baby, take a chance with us

And meet me at the back of the blue bus

Doin' a blue rock

On a blue bus

Doin' a blue rock

C'mon, yeah

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

This is the end

Beautiful friend

This is the end

My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free

But you'll never follow me

The end of laughter and soft lies

The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end

14th January 2011

I text you “ Shall I put the love swing on ebay?”

And you text back “No I’ll have it”

And I felt sick.

I know your having sex with other people, But I try not to think about it.

I should be glad you are, I don’t want you.

I keep thinking of the time you shouted at me for putting too much washing up liquid in when I was washing up.

Someone else is getting shouted at now.

Why would I want to go back to being criticized for everything I do?

Harry Harlow’s monkeys might have the answer.

3rd January 2011

Dear Lee

Today was a bit of a milestone for me. Deciding I did want to see you was a strange compulsion. The text just came out of nowhere. I didn’t think it would actually happen. But I knew I needed to face up to my fears. To make things normal between us, so that I’m not afraid of anything. 

Being around you gave me multiple feelings that just flowed in and out of me. I felt some sorrow, love, jealousy but in such minimal amounts. I don’t suppose that can be helped. I really believe we are better apart and I realised how happy I am with my life. 

I don't think I'll need or want to see you again.